The Yes Woman: I return to Mass and the room reminds me of a closed fist

You can unsubscribe from the Topshop mailing list, but you cannot leave the Catholic Church. At least, not any more. Parents or guardians sign you up for lifetime membership to an organisation long before the age of consent. If you grow up to decide you're not fond of that organisation, that's that. According to the church, you're Catholic and there's nothing you can do about it. You're on their books, counted as one of their number. Amen.

I defected formally from the church prior to 2009 when it was still possible. Since then, I haven’t attended a church service of any kind, until this week.

As part of this series, I have decided – with some reluctance – to go back to Mass. This is the first experience of all those I’ve undertaken thus far to have a negative effect. Usually, I feel better for having tried something, however embarrassing or challenging it may be. But not this time.

An unchanged church

I return to Limerick to attend Mass at the church where I received my First Holy Communion and did my Confirmation. As I walk through the doors into a building that hadn't changed since my teens, memories accosted me.

A Catholic education changes a person. At worst, it is designed to narrow intellectual scope. At best, it discourages objective inquiry; whichever questions a precocious young person may have, the answers are set for them. Genuine examination of issues just isn’t allowed to happen.

I felt permanently tense and stunted at school. Questions weren’t encouraged. Opting out of religious services wasn’t allowed. I wrestled internally with the supernaturalism that permeated everything. I felt trapped and couldn’t understand why it was that I felt permanently out of place.

When our religion class was made to watch a graphic film of an abortion when I was 14, I wasn’t uncomfortable with the film; it was the fact that adults were trying to frighten me and force me into making a particular choice that felt wrong. If what these people are teaching is true, I thought, why do they seem to deem it a disloyalty when I ask questions.

Philosophy changes a person, too. It asks questions and then attempts to pursue them logically and without emotion to their answers. Philosophy asks questions without providing set answers; theology provides answers without asking the questions.

I want to go into Mass with an open mind, but it is impossible to approach an unreasoned perspective from a rational perspective. It is like trying to be rational about unicorns. Reason and Catholicism are antithetical.

Dull drawl

When I go to Mass, the church is full, but 90 per cent of the congregation seems to be around the age of 70. I watch people genuflecting and I listen to the dull drawl of a priest, which prompts a response from the attendees: “It is right to give Him thanks and praise.” I’d be more comfortable with that statement in the form of a question.

As I look around the church, the smells, artwork and drone of familiar words remind me of just how confused I felt in that building as a child. The priest does not strike me as someone who possesses a connection to any mystical undercurrent of the workings of reality as he announces that last week’s collection raised €1,800 and instructs that the baskets be distributed again.

I look around the room full of grey heads and ponder that these were the people who – among others – were holding back progress.

This generation is among the loudest voices in preventing young women from having a choice on their own reproductive capability. This is the generation of Catholics who voted against divorce and who are offended by gay marriage.

I am not ignoring the importance of older people and the rich contribution they make to society. Nor do I imply that younger generations are not awash with bigotry. But Catholicism is far from socially progressive, and this room is like a closed fist.

As I sit in the church with a male companion who doesn’t happen to be white, there are several stares and whispers from people as they sit through a sermon on the benefits of Christian charity at Christmas.

A Catholic education taught me – inversely – to value an open, reasoned mind above all else. I won’t be going back.

The Yes Woman says yes to . . . progress, and no to . . . going back